Reflection VI
Introduction
Dreams can be complicated, weird or just mysterious, like a puzzle we think we can solve, only to end up giving a personal meaning to it. Some of us do not remember our dreams, but some of us do so explicitly. The human mind can show similarities in a broader sense, but when it comes to the individual experience, we all experience it differently. For instance, I have quite symbolic and clear dreams. Even though I do not put big meanings to them, I know some of them can be a reflection of my mental, emotional or physical state. The brain keeps on processing information consciously and unconsciously, and so did my brain during a period when I had difficulties accepting certain things in my life. After doing the healing work and processes for the things I had difficulties accepting, I saw a dream that I found very special, in a way that shows how the brain can do tricky things even in its unconscious state. I would like to share that dream on this blog to show how complicated and conscious the brain can be even when we are unconscious and asleep. Afterwards, I would like to share my personal thoughts about my dream without turning them into a definitive meaning. I think we can all philosophize about why we might have seen a dream, but I do not believe we can answer what the symbols and events of a dream specifically signify. With this being said, it should be clear that I will focus on the complexity of the brain in this post, rather than the meaning of my dream.
The following dream is written in the first person point of view to relay the protagonist's experience in a more personal way to the reader. Enjoy.
The dream
I saw you enter my living room while I was adding more colour to my lips with my favourite lipstick by looking at my small hand mirror. I was sitting on the carpet in front of the television, while you took place on the sofa and stared at me. "You don't need that lipstick.", you said. I smirked and replied, "You know, I like to do make-up." Something felt off because my body was not tense for seeing you. It was as if I knew something that I hadn't realized yet at that moment. "Do you have a new ear piercing?", you asked after looking at me for a long time in such a way, as if there was another reason why you entered my space. "Yes.", I replied, "I did it myself. I have the tool, haha." I turned my body towards you by taking the small piercing tool out of my pocket and pointing it in front of your nose. You pushed my arm softly and started to laugh. I put the piercing tool on the carpet and leaned backwards on my hands and said, "Even in my dreams, you can be playful." I turned my head to look straight into your eyes, but you didn't like what I just said. At that moment, I suddenly started to think about how you entered my house. I stood up and wanted to leave the living room, but you came after me and held my hands. You suddenly had your glasses on and started to cry and said, "I'm sorry. I am thinking about you and I feel terrible for what I have done to you." I looked into your eyes, and your face started to become red from the intense emotions you were feeling, but I couldn't take any of this seriously. "I do not forgive you. And this is not real." You were shocked, and with big eyes, you were waiting for an explanation. "But you laughed with me just as I was being playful with you?", you said, to which I replied, "I allowed myself to look at your face and smile at you because you are my imagination. You know right? We are not real. This is a dream." I said, and suddenly your knees felt weak, and you sat on the ground. I left your hands and went to my bedroom. You followed me to my bedroom with tears in your eyes, but you said nothing. "I am going to sleep. It's time to wake up." I said, not even saying goodbye to you because my brain was aware of its own game to itself. Still, you kept trying to make me believe it was all true. So I thought, maybe I should not force it and believe you somehow appeared in front of me. "I am going to ask you three questions. If you can reply to all of them, I will believe this is real." I leaned forward and squeezed your cheek softly. I felt it and thought to myself this could be a sign. "What time is it, what have you eaten today, and where were you before coming to my place?" Just as you were going to reply, I suddenly felt heaviness in my eyes and couldn't hold eye contact any more. I was closing my eyes against my will. When I finally opened my eyes again just a couple of seconds later, I found myself waking up in my bed, this time realizing for sure that it was all unreal.
Reflection
Considering that I went through a difficult period where I needed a sincere apology from someone and that I didn't get it, I am amazed at how my brain created the scene by also making me believe how that person might be 'thinking' about me and 'regret' their actions. What shocks me the most is how I was conscious about my unconscious state in an unconscious condition. A part of my brain did not believe the other part of my brain. The distinction I make here can look like considering two different individuals, but it is about the difference between my conscious mind and my unconscious condition. While a part of my sleepy brain tried to satisfy something that I thought my emotional state needed from someone, another part of my brain was conscious that it actually never happened in reality and decided to mix reality with imagination in a slightly logical way.
Another thing I realized is how stubborn I was in my dream not to accept the apology. If my stubbornness was a reaction of my conscious mind during an unconscious state together with the awareness that what I saw was a dream, then does this mean I wouldn't have forgiven the person even if I received an apology in real? Without going too deep into trying to understand, I gave a thought to it after waking up. In my dream, I asked three more questions to check whether it was really a dream, probably not to give the person a second chance to forgive, but rather to understand whether we really shared the same space at that moment. If, after my questions were answered, I had believed that we 'were' in the same space, and, while I had a bit of consciousness in my dream, I would probably have chosen that free will to make sure the person had left my house.
The question I asked myself here is the following: why did my conscious mind interrupt my unconscious state and alert me that the scene was not real? Is it another way for my brain to protect my emotions after waking up from such a dream? Or is it my body that is just too aware that I wouldn't have allowed that person to enter my space in reality, thus my mind might have been too weak to even try to disrupt that idea and change it into an idealized contrast? Or did my brain unintentionally try to give me the last step of closure I needed in my healing journey by making me realize that the apology I unconsciously was waiting for was not worth it because the answer lies in me? Does this mean I actually didn't need an apology because even if I had gotten it, it looks like I wouldn't have forgiven the person anyway?
I thank my brain for making me realize this. My body and my brain thought they knew what I needed, but it was again my body and my brain who proved themselves wrong that I actually didn't need the apology. Still, I won't lie about the fact that I felt better overall in my healing journey after having seen this dream. For some reason, I realized that even though I felt weak emotionally during this period, I didn't let that be a reason to affect my self-respect and the decisions I would make. In my philosophy, I do not have to forgive someone to be able to move on. This doesn't mean that I will keep thinking about what happened and replay old memories. I will slowly release the anger, sadness and deception. But if I see this person on the streets, I will probably remember enough to make sure I change my way so as not to cross paths.
I don't think there is a reason for seeing this dream, but I know that I am the one who is in control to turn this memorable dream into a realization that will benefit me mentally. We are the ones who give meaning to things after the natural processes have taken place. There surely are causes for this dream, such as the things that take place around me and that are turned into information that I have absorbed both consciously and unconsciously. My dream is the effect of this information that I processed and maybe partly gave back out there, that passed through an emotional, physical and intellectual process in an intertwining way. But defining an ultimate reason for this question, which is invisible and unpredictable, would be nothing but biased and personal, thus I will leave that question open so that many probable possibilities flow through it. One of these possibilities could be my emotional state which was mixed with my realistic side that kicked in during my brain's imagination.
So the question I am most curious about and that led me to write this piece is the following: can the unconscious mind be conscious that it is unconscious? I tried to think about it and give some unbiased answers to my curiosity but... how can we rationally philosophize about something that needs a metaphysical approach as it hardly takes place in a real space with an instantly chronologically synchronized time to it, for some other people to be able to partake in forming an unbiased answer as well? The only thing I like to do in this case is not to act as if I could find the one and only rational answer to an imaginary moment, but rather play with some possibilities that I have, and be open to listening to other answers that might be part of the fractions of the bigger answer we are looking for. I like to have small quantities of possible truth when discussing something metaphysical by being aware these possible truths are again part of our psyche and, thus not reliable because it lacks the possibility of trying again and again to measure and come to unbiased conclusions. We will never know the definite answer and that is a beautiful freedom we have when we are discussing dreams.
Thank you
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